how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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