Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
