hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
