I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize