Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
