i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
