How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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