I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
