So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
