fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
