You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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