Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
