i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
