he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That's when you crack a 10am beer
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
