I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
