you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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