There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
