Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
