Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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