Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I don't deserve a penis
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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