Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
