I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
