this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
