Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
