I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I didn't notice because vodka
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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