just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
