if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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