: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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