True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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