Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
