my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
