i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
