Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Farmville is her only friend.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize