turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
