I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
