Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i think i have two assholes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
