Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
