i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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