Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
