mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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