you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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