Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize