my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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