You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
