he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
