im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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