I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think im going to throw up on grandma
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
