There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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