he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
