I will die if light touches me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
