Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
