Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize