never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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