My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
