my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
